A Mad World, My Masters

Captaine, Regent, Principall,

Call mee your Forecast, you whore∣sons, when you come drunk out of a Ta∣uerne, t'is I must cast your plots into forme stil; tis I must ma∣nage the Pranck, or Ile not giue a louse for the proceeding: I must let flie my ciuil fortunes, turne wilde-braine, lay my wits vpo'th Tenters, you raskals, to maintaine a company of vil∣laines, whom I loue in my very soule and conscience.

A ha, our little forecast.

Hang you, you haue bewitcht me among you, I was as well giuen till I fell to be wicked, my Grandsire had hope of me, I went all in blacke, swore but a Sundaies, neuer came home drunke, but vpon fasting nights to clense my sto∣macke; sl'id now I'me quite altered, blowne into light co∣lours, let out othes by'th minute, sit vp late till it bee early, drinke drunke till I am sober, sincke downe dead in a Ta∣uerne, and rise in a Tabacco-shop: her's a transformation: I was wont yet to pitie the simple, and leaue e'm some money: sl'id, now I gull e'm without conscience; I goe without order, sweare without number, gull without mercie, & drinke without measure.

How proue you that sir?

Because the drawers neuer fill their pots.

Masle that was well found out all drunkerds may lawfully say, they drinke within measure by that tricke, dna now I'me put i'th mind of a tricke can you keepe your coun∣tenance villaines? yet I am a foole to aske that, for how can they keepe their countenance that haue lost their credits?

I warrant you for blushing Captaine.

I easily beleeue that Antient, for thou lost thy co∣lours once; Nay faith as for blushing, I thinke ther's grace little enough amongst you all, tis lent in your cheekes, the flag's downe; wel, your blushing face I suspect not, nor in∣deed greatly your laughing-face, vnlesse you had more mo∣ney in your purses: then thus compendiously now, you all know the possibilities of my hereafter fortunes, and the humor of my frolike Grandsire Sir Bounteous Progresse; whose death makes all possible to me: I shall haue all, when he ha's nothing; but now he ha's all, I shall haue nothing: I thinke one minde runnes through a million of e'm; they loue to keepe vs sober all the while the're aliue, that when the're dead we may drinke to their healths; they cannot a∣bide to see vs merry all the while the're aboue ground; and that makes so many laugh at their fathers funerals: I know my Grandsire has his Will in a Boxe, and has bequeath'd all to me, when he can carry nothing away; but stood I in neede of poore tenne pounds now, by his will I should hang my selte e're I should get it, ther's no such word in his Will I war∣rant you, nor no such thought in his mind.

You may build vpon that Captaine.

Then since hee ha's no will to doe me good as long as he liues; by mine owne will, Ile doe my selfe good before he dies, and now I arriue at the purpose. You are not ignorant I'me sure, you true and necessary implements of mischiefe; first, that my Grandsier Sir Bounteous Progresse is a Knight of thousands, and therefore no Knight since one thousand sixe hundred: next, that he keepes a house like his name Bounteous, open for all commers: thirdly and lastly, that hee stands much vpon the glory of his complement, variety of entertainement, together with the largenes of his Kitchin, longitude of his Buttery, and fecunditie of his Larder, and thinkes himselfe neuer happier then when some stiffe L. or great Countesse alights, to make light his dishes: these being well mixt together may giue my proiect better encourage∣ment, and make my purpose spring forth more fortunate: to be short, and cut off a great deale of durty way; Ile downe to my Grandsire like a L.

How Captaine?

A French ruffe, a thinne beard, and a strong per∣fume will doo't: I can hire blew coats for you all by West∣minster clocke, and that colour will be soonest beleeued.

But prethee Captaine?

Push, I reach past your fadomes; you desire crowns.

From the crowne of our head, to the sole of our foot bully.

Why carry your selues but probably, and carry away enough with your selues.

Why there spoke a Romane Captaine, M. Penitent Brothell.

Sweete M. Folly-wit..

Heer's a mad braine a'th first, whose prankes scorne to haue presidents; to be second to any; or walke beneath any: mad∣caps inuentions, has plaid more trickes then the cardes can allow a man, and of the last stampe too, hating imitation, a fellow, whose onely glory is to be prime of the company; to be sure of which, he maintaines all the rest: hee's the Karion, and they the Kytes that gorge vpon him.

Master Penitent Brothell.

My litle prety Lady gull-man, the newes, the comfort?

Y'are the fortunate man sir, Knight a'th holland skirt: there wants but opportunitie and shee's waxe of your owne fashioning, she had wrought her selfe into the forme of your loue before my art set finger to her.

Did our affections meete? our thoughts keepe time?

So it should seeme by the musicke, the onely iarre is in the grumbling base violl her husband.

Oh his waking suspition!

Sigh not M. Penitent, trust the managing of the bu∣sines with me, tis for my credite now to see't well finish't: if I do you no good sir, you shall giue me no money sir.

I am arriu'd at the Court of conscience; A Curti∣zan! O admirable times! honestie is remoued to the Com∣mon place. Farewell Lady.

What newes mother?

A token from thy keeper.

Oh from sir Bounteous Progresse: hee's my kee∣per in deed, but ther's many a peece of venison stolne that my keeper wots not on; theres no parke kept so warily, but loo∣ses flesh one time or other; and no woman kept so priuately, but may watch aduantage to make the best of her pleasure: and in common reason one keeper cannot be enough for so proud a parke as a woman.

Hold thee there girle.

Feare not me mother.

Euery part of the world shootes vp daily into more subtilty: the very spider weaues her caules with more art and cunning, to entrap the flie.

Mother I am too deepe a Scholler growne To learne my first rules now.

T'will be thy owne, I say no more; peace, harke, remoue thy selfe, oh, the two elder Brothers.

A faire hower sweete Lady.

Good morrow gentlemen, Master Inesse, and M. Possibilitie.

Wher's the litle sweete Lady your daughter?

Euen at her booke sir.

So religious?

Tis no new motion sir, sh'as tooke it from an in∣fant.

May we deserue a sight of her, Lady?

Vpon that condition you will promise me gentle∣men, to auoid all prophane talke, wanton complements, vn∣decent phrazes, and lasciuious courtings▪ (which I knowe my daughter will sooner die then endure,) I am contented your suits shalbe granted.

Not a bawdy sillable I protest.

Sillable was plac'st there, for indeed your one silla∣bles are your bawdiest words, pricke that downe.

She may make nightwork ont, twas wel recouered, Hee Cats and Curtizans strowle most i'th night, Her friend may be receiude and conuayde forth, nightly, He be at charge for watch and ward, for watch & ward yfaith, and here they come.

Giue your worship good euen.

O abominable!

If you be faithfull watchmen, shew your goodnes, And with these Angels shoare vp your eye-lids: Let me not be purloind, purloind indeed; the merry Greekes conceiue me: there is a Iem I would not loose, Kept by the Italian vnder locke and key: we English men are carelesse creatures: well, I haue said enough.

And we wil do enough sir.

The euening cannot saue it, peace; Oh Lady Gulman, my wifes onely company! welcome; and how do's the vertuous Matron, that good old Gentlewoman thy mother? I per∣swade my selfe, if modesty be in the world she has part on't: a woman of an excellent carriage all her life time, in Court, Ci∣tie, and Countrey.

Sha's alwaies carried it well in those places sir; witnesse three bastards a piece: how do's your sweete bed∣fellow sir? you see I'me her boldest visitant.

And welcome sweete Virgin, the onely compani∣on, my soule wishes for her; I left her within at her Lute, pre∣thee giue her good counsell.

Alas, she needes none sir.

Yet, yet, yet, a little of thy instructions will not come amisse to her.

Ile bestow my labour sir.

Sha's set vp her resolution alreadie sir.

True, true, and this will confirme it the more, ther's a chapter of Hell, tis good to reade this cold weather, terrifie her, terrifie her; goe, reade to her the horrible pun∣ishments for itching wantonnes, the paines alotted for adul∣terie; tell her her thoughts, her very dreames are answerable, say so; rip vp the life of a Curtiza, & shew how loath som tis.

The gentleman would perswade mee in time to dis∣grace my selfe, and speake ill of mine owne function.

Faine would I meete the gentleman.

Push, faine would you meete him, why, you doe not take the course.

How earnestly shee labours her, like a good hol∣some sister of the familie, she wil preuaile I hope.

Is that the meanes?

What is the meanes? I would as gladly to inioy his sight, imbrace it as the—

Shall I haue hearing? listen?

She's round with her yfaith.

Thinke you so Lady? he ha's small reason for't.

What done so soone? away, too't againe, too't a∣gain, good wench too't again, leaue her not so, where left you. come.

No; let me come, Fie wife, you must consent; what opinion i'st, let's heare?

Fondly and wilfully she retaines that thought, That euery sinne is dambd.

Oh fie, fie, wife! Pea, pea, pea, pea, how haue you lost your time? for shame be conuerted: theres a diabalocall opinion indeed; then you may think that vsury were dambd: you're a fine merchant yfaith; or briberie? you know the law well; or sloth? would some of the Clergy heard you yfaith; or pride? you come at Court; or gluttony? you're not wor∣thie to dine at an Aldermans table:

I'ue said enough to her.

And she will be rulde by you.

Fah.

It is not so much worth sir, I am a very ill coun∣sellor truely.

Goo too I say.

Y'are too blame yfaith sir, I shall nere deserue it.

Thou hast don't already: farewell sweet Virgin, prethee let's see thee oftner.

Such gifts will soone intreat me.

Keepe in your dewe sir, least when you would, you want it.

Tis that I striue to get.

And still do so.

You haue bin too much like your name Sir Boun∣teous.

Oh not so, good Knights, not so, you know my humour; most welcome good Sir Andro Pelcut, Sir Aquitaino Colewort, most welcome.

Thankes good Sir Bounteous.

Oh, crie your worship heartily mercy Sir.

How now linnen stockins, and threescore mile a day; whose footman art thou?

Pray can your worship tell me, Hoh, hoh, hoh, if my L. be come in yet.

Thy L! what L?

My L. Owe-much sir.

My L. Owe-much! I haue heard much speech of that L. h'as great acquaintance i'th Citie; that L. has bin much followed.

And is still sir; he wants no company when hee's in London: hee's free of the Mercers, and theres none of e'm all dare crosse him.

And they did, hee'd turne ouer a new leafe with e'm; he would make e'm all weary on't i'th end: much fine rumor haue I heard of that L. yet had I neuer the fortune to set eye vpon him; art sure he will alight here Footman? I am afraid thou'rt mistooke.

Thinkes your worship so sir? by your leaue sir.

Puh; passion of me, Footman, why Pumps I say come backe.

Do's your worship call?

Come hither I say, I am but afraid on't, would it might happen so well, how do'st know? did hee name the house with the great turret a'th top?

No saith did he not sir.

Come hither I say, did hee speake of a cloth a gold chamber?

Not one word by my troth sir.

Come againe you lowzie seuen mile an houre?

I beseech your worship detaine me not.

Was there no talke of a faire paire of Orgaines, a great guilt candlesticke, and a paire of siluer snuffers?

T'were sinne to belie my Lord, I heard no such words sir.

A pox confine thee, come againe, puh,

Your worship wil vndoe me sir.

Was there no speech of a long dining roome, a huge kitchin, large meate, and a broad dresser board?

I haue a greater maw to that indeed, an't please your worship.

Whome did he name?

Why one Sir Bounteous Progresse.

Ah, a, a, I am that Sir Bounteous you progressiue round-about Rascall.

Laughs, puh—

I knew I should haue him i'th end, ther's not a Lord wil mis mee I thanke their good honours, tis a fortune laide vpon me, they can sent out their best entertainment, I haue a kind of complementall gift giuen mee aboue ordinary country Knights, and how soone, tis smelt out I warrant yee, ther's not one Knight i'th Sheere able to entertaine a Lord i'th kue, or a Lady i'th nick like me, like me, ther's a kinde of grace belongs too't, a kind of Art which naturally slips from me, I know not on't I promise you, tis gon before Im'e aware on't, cuds mee I forget my selfe, where—

Do's your worship call?

My Lord has trauaild this fiue yeare sir.

Trauaild this fiue yeare? how many children has he? some bastard I say.

No bastard an't please your worship.

A cup of Sack to strengthen his wit, the foot∣mans a foole; oh, come hither master Gunwater, come hither, send presently to master Phesant for one of his hens, ther's Partrige i'th house.

And Wild-duck an't please your worship.

And Woodcock an't please thy worship.

And Woodcock an't please your worship, I had thought to haue spoke before you.

Remember the Phesant, downe with some Plo∣uer, clap downe sixe Woodcocks, my loue's coming; now sir.

Ant please your worship ther's a Lord and his fol∣lowers newly alighted.

Dispath I say, dispatch, why wher's my musick? hee's come indeed.

Footman.

My Lord.

Run swiftly with my cōmendations to S. Iasper Topas Wee'le ride and visit him i'th morning say.

Your Lordships charge shal be effected.

That Courtly comly forme, should present to me Sir Bounteous Progresse.

Y'aue found me out my Lord, I cannot hide my selfe, Your honour in most spatiously welcome.

Nay, and your Lordship know my disposition, you know me better then they that know my person; your honor is so much the welcomer for that.

Thankes good sir Bounteous.

Pray pardon me, it has been often my ambition my L. both in respect of your honourable presence, and the prodigall fame that keepes euen stroke with your vnboun∣ded worthines;

Heard of e'm sir Bounteous, but neuer heared e'm.

The're but double guilt my L. some hundred and fifty pound wilt fit your Lordshippe with such another paire.

Indeed sir Bounteous?

O my L. I haue a present sute to you.

To me sir Bounteous, and you could nere speake at fitter time? for I'me here present to grant you.

Your Lordship has been a traueller.

Some fiue yeare sir.

I haue a Grandchild my L. I loue him; and when I die Ile doe somewhat for him: Ile tel your honor the worst of him, a wilde lad he has beene.

So we haue beene all sir.

So we haue been all indeed my L. I thanke your Lorships assistance; some comick prancks he has bin guilty of; but Ile pawne my credit for him, an honest trusty bo∣some.

And thats worth all sir.

And thats worth all indeed my L. for hees like to haue all when I die; imberbis Iuuenis, his chin has no more prickles yet then a midwiues: theres great hope of his wit his haire's so long a comming; shall I be bold with your ho∣nor, to prefer this aforesaid Ganimed to hold a plate vnder your Lordships cup?

Nay h'as a good wit yfaith my L.

H'as caried himselfe alwaies generously.

Are you aduisde of that my L.? h'as caried ma∣ny things cleanely: Ile shew your Lordship my Will, I keep it aboue in an Out landish boxe; the whoreson boy must haue all: I loue him, yet he shall nere find it as long as I liue.

Well sir, for your sake, and his own deseruing, Ile reserue a place for him neerest to my secrets.

I vnderstand your good Lordship, you'le make him your Secretary: my musicke, giue my L. a taste of his welcome.

So, how like you our Ayres my Lord? are they choice?

The're seldome match't beleeue it.

The Consort of mine owne houshold.

Yee sir.

The Musitians are in Ordinary, yet no ordina∣ry Musitians: your Lordship shall heare my Organs now.

Oh I beseech you sir Bounteous.

My Organist.

Come my L. how do's your honour rellish my Organ?

A very proud Ayre yfaith sir.

Oh, how can't chuse, a Walloon plaies vpon e'm, and a Welchman blowes wind in their breech.

You must pardon vs my L. hasty cates, your honor has had eu'n a hunting meale on't; and now I am like to bring your Lordship to as meane a lodging, a hard Downe bed yfaith my L. poore Cambricke sheetes, and a cloth a Tissue Canopy, the Curtaines indeed were wrought in Ve∣nice, with the story of the Prodigall child in silke and golde, onely the Swine are left out my L. for spoyling the curtaines.

T' was well preuented sir.

Silkin rest, harmonious slumbers, and venetiall dreames to your Lordship.

The like to kind Sir Bounteous.

Fie, not to me my L. I'me old, past dreaming of such vanities.

Old men should dreame best.

Their dreames indeed my L. y'aue gi'nt vs: to¦morrow your Lordship shal see my Cockes, my Fish-ponds, my Parke, my Champion grounds; I keepe Champers in my house can shew your Lordship some pleasure.

Sir Bounteous you eu'n whelme me with delights.

Once agen a musicall night to your honor; Ile trouble your Lordship no more.

Good rest sir Bounteous; so, come, the vizards, where be the masking suits?

In your Lordships Portmantua.

Peace Leiftenant.

I had rather haue war, Captaine.

Puh, the plot's ripe; come, to our busines lad, Tho guilt condemnes, tis gilt must make vs glad.

Nay, and you be at your distinctions Captaine, Ile follow behind no longer.

Get you before then, and whelme your nose with your vizard, goe.

Go, sirrah, run presently to M. Penitent Brothel; you know his lodging, knocke him vp, I know he cannot sleepe for sighing; tell him I'ue happily bethought a meane,

Within. Oh.

Harke, the're at their busines.

Theeues, theeues.

Gag that gaping raskall, tho he be my Grandsires chiefe Gentleman i'th chaine of gold, Ile haue no pitie of him; how now lads?

Al's sure and safe, on with your vizard sir; the ser∣uants are all bound.

There's one care past then, come follow me lads, Ile lead you now to'th point, and top of all your fortunes; yo'n lodging is my Grandsires.

So, so, lead on, on.

Her's a Captaine worth the following, and a wit worth a mans loue and admiring!

Oh gentlemen, and you be kind gentlemen, what countrimen are you?

I am glad of that yfaith.

And why should you be glad of that?

Oh, the honestest theeues of all come out of Lin∣consheere; the kindest naturde Gentlemen; the'le rob a man with conscience: they haue a feeling of what they go about, and will steale with teares in their eies: ah pitifull gentle∣men.

Push, Money, money, we come for money.

Is that all you come for? Ah what a beast was I to put out my money tother day: alas good gentlemen, what shift shall I make for you? pray come agen another time.

Tut, tut sir, money.

Oh not so loud sir, you're too shrill a Gentle∣man; I haue a L. lies in my house, I would not for the world his honour should be disquieted.

Who my L. Owemuch? we haue tooke order with him before hand, he lies bound in his bed and al his followers.

Who my L? bound my L? Alas what did you meane to bind my L? he could keepe his bed well enough without binding: y'aue vndon me i'nt already, you need rob me no farder.

Which is the Key, come?

Ah I perceiue now, y'are no true Linconsheere spirits; you come rather out of Bedforesheere, we cannot lie quiet in our beds for you: so, take enough my Masters; spur a free horse, my name's sir Bounteous, a merry world yfaith; what Knight but I keepe open house at midnight? well, there should be a conscience, if one could hit vppon't.

Away now, ceaze vpon him, binde him.

Is this your Court of equity? why should I be bound for mine owne money? but come, come, bind me, I haue neede on't; I haue beene too liberall to night, keepe in my hands: nay, as hard as you list; I am too good to beare my L. company, you haue watcht your time my Masters; I was Knighted at Westminster, but many of these nights will make me a Knight of Windsor; y'aue deserude so well my Masters; I bid you all to dinner to morrow, I would I might haue your companies yfaith, I desire no more.

Oh ho sir!

Pray meddle not with my Organs, to put e'm out of tune.

Oh no, heeres better musicke sir.

Ah pox feast you.

Dispatch with him, away; so, thanke you good Grandsire; this was bounteously done of him yfaith; it came somewhat hard from him at first; for indeed nothing comes stiffe from an old man but money: and he may well stand vpon that, when he has nothing else to stand vpon: where's our Port-mantua?

Here Bully-Captaine.

In with the purchase, t'will lie safe enough there vnder's nose I warrant you: what, is all sure?

All's sure Captaine.

You know what followes now, one villane binds his fellowes; go, we must be all bound for our owne securi∣ties raskals, there's no dallying' vppo'th point; you conceit me: there is a L. to be found bound in the morning, and al his followers, can you picke out that L. now?

O admirable spirit!

You nere plot for your safeties, so your wants be satisfied.

But if we binde one another, how shall the last man be bound?

Pox on't, Ile haue the footman scape.

Thats I, I thanke you sir.

The Footman of all other will be supposde to scape, for he comes in no bed all night; but lies in's clothes, to be first ready i'th morning: the horse and he lies in litter to∣gether; that's the right fashion of your bonny Footman: and his freedome will make the better for our purpose; for we must haue one i'th morning to vnbinde the Knight, that we may haue our sport within our selues: we now arriue at the most ticklish point, to rob, and take our ease, to be theeues and lie by't, looker to't lads, it concernes euery mans gullet; Ile not haue the jest spoilde, that's certaine, tho it hazard a winde∣pipe: Ile either go like a L. as I came, or be hangd like a theese as I am; and that's my resolution.

Troth a match Captaine, of all hands.

Oh M. Penitent Brothel!

What is't sweet Lady Gulman, that so seazes on thee with rapture and admiration?

A thought, a tricke, to make you sir especially happy, and yet I my selfe a sauer by it.

I would embrace that Lady with such courage, I would not leaue you on the loosing hand.

I wil giue trust to you sir, the cause then why I raisde you from your bed so soone; wherein I know sighs would not let you sleepe, thus vnderstand it: You loue that woman (M. Harebraines wife) Which no inuented meanes can crowne with freedome, For your desires and her owne wish, but this, Which in my slumbers did present it selfe.

I'me couetous Lady.

you know her husband lingring in suspect, Lockes her from all society, but mine.

Most true.

I onely am admitted, yet hitherto That ha's done you no reall happines; by my admittance I cannot performe that deed, that should please you, You know: wherefore thus I'ue conuaid'd it, Ile counterfet a fit of violent sickenes.

Good.

Nay tis not so good by my faith, but to doe you good.

And in that sense I call'd it, but take me with you Lady; would it be probable enough to haue a sickenes so suddenly violent?

Puh, all the world knows women are soone down; we can be sicke when we haue a mind to't, catch an ague with the wind of our fans, surfet vpon the rumpe of a Larke, and bestow ten pound in physick vpon't; we're likest our selues when we're down: tis the easiest Art and cunning for our sect to counterfeit sicke, that are alwaies full of sits when we are well; for since we were made for a weake imperfect crea∣ture, we can sit that best that we are made for: I thus transla∣ted, and your selfe slipt into the forme of a Physition.

I a Physition Lady, talke not on't I beseech you, I shall shame the whole Colledge.

Tutman, any guacksaluing termes will serue for this purpose; for I am pitifully hanted with a brace of elder brothers, new perfumde in the first of their fortunes, and I shall see how forward their purses will be to the pleasing of my pallat, and restoring of my health; lay on load enough vpon e'm, and spare e'm not, for the're good plump fleshly Asses, and may well enough beare it: let gold, Ambre, and dissolued Pearle, be common ingrediences, and that you can∣not compose a cullisse without e'm: put but this cunningly in practise, it shall bee both a sufficient recompence for all my paines in your loue, and the readie meanes to make Mistris Harebraine; way, by the visiting of me to your mutuall desi∣red company.

I Applaud thee, kisse thee, and wil constantly em∣brace it.

Ho, Gunwater!

Singlestone!

Ienkin, wa, ha, ho.

Ewen!

Simcod!

Footman! whewe—

Oh good your worship, let me helpe your good old worshippe.

Ah poore honest footman, how didst thou scape this massacre?

I thinke so, I would I had laine in my clothes to Footman, so I had scapt e'm; I could haue but risse like a beg∣ger then, and so I do now, till more money come in; but no∣thing afflicts me so much, my poore Geometricall Footman, as that the barberous villaines should lay violence vpon my L. Ah, the binding of my L. cuts my heart in two pieces; so, so, tis well, I thanke thee, runne to thy fellowes, vndo e'm, vn∣do e'm, vndo e'm.

Alas, if my L. should miscarry, the're vnbound al∣ready sir; they haue no occupation but sleepe, feed, and fart.

If I be not ashamde to looke my L i'th face, I'me a Sarassen my L.

Who's that?

One may see hee has beene scard, a pox on e'm for their labours.

Singlestone!

Singlestone? Ile nere answere to that yfaith.

Suchman-

Suchman? nor that neither yfaith; I am not brought so low, tho I be old.

Who's that i'th chamber?

Good morrow my L. tis I.

Sir Bounteous good morrow, I would giue you my hand sir, but I cannot come at it; is this the curtesie a'th coun∣trie sir Bounteous?

Your Lordship grieues me more then al my losse; Tis the vnnatural'st sight that can be found, To see a noble gentleman hard-bound.

Trust me, I thought you had beene better be∣lou'd sir Bounteous; but I see you haue enemies sir, and your friends fare the worse for em: I like your talke better then your lodging; I nere lay harder in a bedde of Downe; I haue had a madde nights rest on't: can you not gesle what they should be Sir Bounteous?

How? fie, fie, beleeue it not sir, these lie not far off I warrant you.

Thinke you so my Lord?

I'le be burnt & they doe, some that vse to your house sir, and are familiar with all the couneiances.

This is the commoditie of keeping open house my Lord, that makes so many shut their doores about dinner time.

They were resolute villaines, I made my selfe knowne to e'm, told e'm what I was; gaue e'm my honora∣ble word not to disclose e'm.

O sawcie vnmannerly villaines!

And thinke you the slaues would trust me vpon my word?

They would not?

Forsooth no, I must pardon e'm, they told mee Lords promises were mortal, and commonly die within halfe an houre after they are spoken; they were but gristles, and not one amongst a hundred come to any full groth, or per∣fection, and therefore tho I were a L. I must enter into bond.

Insupportable Rascals.

Troth Im'e of that mind Sir Bounteous you far'd the worse for my coming hither.

Ah good my Lord, but Im'e sure your Lordship far'd the worse.

Pray pittie not me sir.

Is not your honour sore about the brawne of the arme? a murren meete e'm, I feele it.

About this place Sir Bounteous?

You feele as it were a twinge my Lord?

I, ee'n a twinge, you say right.

A pox discouer e'm, that twinge I feele too.

But that which disturbs mee most Sir Bounteous lies here.

True, about the wrist, a kind of Tumid numnes.

You say true Sir.

Masse so I gest it.

A mischiefe swell e'm, for I feele that to.

Sli'd her's a house haunted indeed.

A word with you sir.

How now Singlestone?

Im'e sorry my Lord your Lordship has lost.

Pup, pup, pup, pup, pup.

What haue I lost? speake?

A good nights sleepe say.

Speake, what haue I lost I say?

A good nights sleepe my Lord, nothing else. Curtens drawn

That's true, my cloth's come.

My Lords cloth's, his honor's rising.

Hist, well said, come hither, what ha's my Lord lost, tell mee, speake softly?

His Lordship must know that Sir.

Hush, prethee tell mee.

T'will doe you no pleasure to know't Sir.

Yet againe? I desire it I say.

Since your worship will needs know't, they haue stolne away a iewell in a blew silke riband of a hundred pound price, beside some hundred pounds in faire Spur-Royals.

That's some two hundred it'h totall.

Your worship's much about it Sir.

Come follow me, Ile make that whole againe in so much money, let not my Lord know on't.

Oh pardon me Sir Bounteous, that were a dishonor to my Lord, should it come to his eare, I should hazard my vndoing by' it.

How should it come to his eare? if you be my Lords chiefe man about him, I hope you do not vse to speake, vnles you be paid for't, and I had rather giue you a Councel∣lors double Fee to hold your peace, come, go too, follow me I say.

His honour shall stay dinner by his leaue', I'le preuaile with him so far; and now I remember a lest; I bad the whoreson theeues to dinner last night, I would I might haue their companies, a pox poyson e'm.

Faith and you are like to haue no other guesse Sir Bounteous, if you haue none but vs, I'le giue you that gift yfaith.

YOu see bould guests Master Hareb.

You'r kindly welcome to my house; good Master Inesse, and Master Possibilitie.

That's our presumption Sir.

Rafe?

Here Sir.

Call downe your mistris to welcome these two Gentlemen my friends.

I shall Sir.

I will obserue her carriage, and watch The slipperie reuolotions of her eye, Ile lie in waite for euery glance she giues, And poyze her words it'h ballance of suspect, If she but swag shee's gon, either on this hand Ouer familiar, or this, too neglectfull, It do's behoue her carry her selfe euen.

But master Hareb.

True, I heare you sir; wa'st you said?

I haue not spoke it yet Sir.

Right, so I say.

Is it not strange, that in so short a time, my little Lady Gulman should be so violently handled?

But not loose of their bonds Sir?

No by my faith sir, I say not so, if the Phisitian could make e'm loose of their bonds, ther's many a one would take Phisick, that dares not now for poysoning, but as I was telling of you, her Will was fashioning, Wherein I found her best and richest Iewell, Giuen as a Legacie vnto my wife, When I read that, I could not refraine weeping, well of all other, my wife ha's most reason to visit her, if shee haue any good nature in her, shee'le shew it there, now sir wher's your mistris?

She desires you, and the gentlemen your friends, to hold her excused, sha's a fit of an Ague now vpon her, which begins to shake her

Where do's it shake her most?

All ouer her body Sir.

Shake all her body? t'is a saucie fit, Im'e iealous of that Ague, pray walke in gentlemen, Ile see you instantly.

Now they are absent sir, tis no such thing.

What?

No; visit her againe, commend me to her, Tell her they'r gon, and onely I my selfe Walke here to exchange a word or two with her.

Ile tell her so sir.

They'r gon yfaith, why, hinke you Ile betray you? come, come, thy delight and mine, thy onely vertuous friend, thy sweete instructresse is violently taken, grieuous sicke, and which is worse, she mends not.

Her friends are sorry for that Sir.

Shee cals still vpon thee, poore soule, remembers thee still, thy name whirles in her breath, wher's mistris Hare∣braine sayes shee?

Alas good soule,

She made me weepe thrice, sh'as put thee in a iewel in her Will.

Eee'n tot'h last gaspe a kind soule.

Take my man, goe, visit her.

Pray pardon me sir, alas my visitation cannot helpe her.

Oh yet the kindnes of a thing wife; still she holds the same rare temper; take my man I say.

I would not take your man sir, tho I did purpose going.

No? thy reason?

Mine? prethee wife, I haue beene there alreadle.

That's all one; altho you bring mee but to'th doore Sir, I would intreat no farther.

Thu'rt such a wife; why I will bring thee thither then, but not goe vp I sweare.

Yfaith you shall not, I doe not desire it sir.

Why then content.

Giue me your hand you will doe so Sir.

Why ther's my lip I will.

Why then I goe Sir.

With me or no man, incomparable such a woman.

Lady?

Ther's one Sir Bounteous Progresse newly alighted from his footecloth, and his Mare waites at doore, as the fashi∣on is.

Sli'd, 'tis the knight that priuately maintaines mee, a little short-olde. spinye Gentleman, in a great dublet.

The same, I know e'm.

Hee's my sole Reuenew, meate, drinke, and ray∣ment; my good Phisitian worke vpon him, Im'e weake.

Ynough.

Why, where bee these Ladies? these plump soft delicate creatures? ha?

Who would you visit sir?

Visit, who? what are you with the plague in your mouth?

A Phisitian sir.

Then you are a loose-liuer Sir, I haue put you to your purgation.

But you need none, you'r purg'd in a worse fashiō,

Ah, Sir Bounteous.

How now? what art thou?

Sweet Sir Bounteous.

Pashion of me, what an alteration's here? Rosa∣mond sicke old Harry? her's a sight able to make an olde man shrinke, I was lusty when I came in, but I am downe now yfaith, mortalitie, yea? this puts mee in mind of a hole seauen foote deepe, my graue, my graue, my graue, hist, master Doctor a word sir, harke, tis not the Plague? ist?

The Plague Sir, no?

Good.

He ne're askes whether it bee the Poxe or no, and of the twaine that had beene more likely.

How now my wench? how do'st?

Huh, weake Knigh, huh.

She saies true, hee's a weake Knight indeed.

Where do's it hold thee most, wench?

All parts alike Sir.

Shee sayes true still, for it holds her in none.

I feare that much sir.

Oh, oh, if it should, a yong Progresse when al's done.

You haue done your good will Sir.

I see by her, tis nothing but a surfet of Venus yfaith, and tho I bee old, I haue gin't her, but since I had the power to make thee sicke, Ile haue the purse to make thee whole, that's certaine; master Doctor.

Sir.

Lets heare I pray, what i'st you minister to her?

Marry Sir, some pretious cordiall, some costly refocillation, a composure comfortable and restoratiue.

I, I, that, that, that.

No poorer ingrediences then the liquor of Cur∣rall, cleere Amber, or Succinum, Vnicornes horne sixe grains, Magisterium, Perlarum one scruple.

Ah.

Ossis de Corde Cerui halfe a scruple, Aurum Pota∣bile or his tincture.

Very pretious Sir.

All which being finely contunded, and mixed in a stone or glasse morter, with the spirit of Diamber.

Nay pray be patient Sir.

That's impossible, I cannot bee Patient and a Phisition too Sir.

Oh, crie you mercy, that's true Sir.

All which aforesaid.

I, there you left Sir.

When it is almost exsiccate or drie, I adde there∣to olei Succini, olei Masi, & Sinamoni.

So Sir, olei Masi, that same oyle of Mase is a great comfort to both the Counters.

And has beene of a long time Sir.

Well, bee of good cheere wench, ther's gold for thee; huh, let her want for nothing M. Doctor, a poore kinse∣woman of mine, nature bindes me to haue a care of her; there I guld you M. Doctor: gather vp a good spirit wench, the fit will away, tis but a surfet of gristles: ha, ha, I haue sitted her; an old Knight and a cocke a'th game still, I haue not spurs for nothing I see.

No by my faith, the're hatcht, they cost you an Angell sir.

Looke to her good M. Doctor, let her want no∣thing, I'ue given her enough already, Ha, ha, ha.

So, is he gone?

Hee's like himselfe gon.

Heer's somewhat to set vp with; how soone he tooke occasion to slip into his owne flattery, soothing his own defects; he onely feares he has done that deed, which I nere feard to come from him in my life, this purchase came vn∣lookt for.

H'ist, the paire of sonnes and heires.

Oh, the're welcome, they bring money.

M. Doctor.

I come to you Gentleman.

How do's she now?

Faith much after one fashion sir.

There's hope of life sir.

I see no signes of death of her.

That's some comfort; will she take any thing yet?

Yes, yes, yes, shee'le take still: sh'as a kind of fa∣cility in taking: how comes your band bloody sir?

You may see I met with a scab sir.

Diuersa genera Scabierum, as Pliny reports, there arediners kind of Scabs.

Pray lets heare e'm sir.

An itching scab, that is your harlot; a sore scab, your vsurer; a running, your promooter; a broad scab, your intelligencer; but a white scabbe, that's a scald knaue and a Pander: but to speake truth, the onely scabs wee are now a daies troubled withall, are new officers.

Why now you come to mine sir, for Ile be sworne one of them was very busie about my head this morning, and he should be a scab by that, for they are ambitious and couet the head.

Why you saw I deriu'de him sir?

You Physitions are mad Gentlemen.

We Physitions see the most sights of any men li∣uing, you're Astronomers looke vpward into'th aire, we look downeward into'th bodie, and indeed wee haue power vp∣ward and downeward.

That you haue yfaith sir.

Lady, how cheere you now?

The same woman still, huh.

That's not good.

Little alteration, Fie, fie, you haue beene to lauish Gentlemen.

Puh, talke not of that Lady, thy health's worth a mil∣lion; here M. Doctor, spare for no cost.

Looke what you find there sir.

What doe you meane gentlemen, put vp, put vp, you see I'me downe and cannot striue with you, I would rule you else; you haue me at aduantage, but if euer I liue, I will requite it deepely.

Tut an't come to that once, wee'le requit our selues well enough.

Mist. Harebrain, Lady, is setting forth to visit you too.

Hah, huh.

There strucke the munit that brings forth the birth of all my ioyes and wishes; but see the iarre now, how shall I rid these from her?

Pray gentleman, stay not aboue an houre from my sight.

S'foot we are not going Lady.

Subtilly brought about, yett' will not doe, the'le sticke by't; a word with you gentlemen.

She wants but setling of her sense with rest, one howres sleepe gentlemen would set all parts in tune.

He saies true yfaith.

Get her to sleepe M. Doctor, wee'le both sit heere and watch by her.

Hels Angels watch you, no Art can preuaile with e'm; what with the thought of ioyes, and sight of crosses, my wits are at Hercules pillars, non plus vltra.

M. Doctor, M. Doctor?

Here Lady.

Your physicke workes, lend me your hand.

Farewell sweet Lady.

Adue M. Doctor.

So.

Mistris Harebraine, giue my wit thankes hereafter, your wishes are in sight, your opportunity spatious.

Will you but heare a word from mee?

Whooh—

My husband himselfe brought mee to'th doore, walkes below for my returne; ielousie is prick-eard, and will heare the waging of a haire.

Pish, y' are a faint-liuer, trust your selfe with your pleasure, and me with your security, go.

The fulnes of my wish.

Of my desire.

Beyond this sphere I never will aspire.

Pray sit downe, there's a low stoole, good Mistris Harebraine, this was kindly done; huh giue me your hand; huh, alas how cold you are: eu'n so is your husband, that worthy wise Gentleman; as comfortable a man to woman in my case, as euer trod—huh—shooe leather, loue him, honour him, sticke by him, hee lets you want nothing, that's fit for a woman; and to be sure on't, he wil see himselfe that you want it not.

And so I doe yfaith, tis right my humour.

You liue a Ladies life with him, go where you will, ride when you will, and do what you will.

Not so, not so neither, shee's better lookt to.

I know you doe, you need not tell me that; t'were ee'n pity of your life yfaith, if euer you should wrong such an innocent gentleman; fie Mistris Harebraine, what doe you meane? come you to discomfort mee? nothing but weeping with you?

Shee's weeping, t'as made her weepe, my wife shewes her good nature already.

Still, still weeping? huff, huff, huff, why how now woman? hey, hy, hy, for shame leaue; suh, suh, she cannot an∣swere me for snobbing.

All this do's her good, beshrew my heart and I pi∣ty her, let her shed teares till morning; Ile stay for her, she shall haue enough on't by my good will; Ile not be her hin∣derance.

O no, lay your hand here Mistris Harebraine: I there, Oh there, there lies my paine good gentlewoman: sore? Oh I, I can scarce endure your hand vppon't.

Poore soule, how shee's tormented.

Yes, yes, I eate a Cullisse an houre since.

There's some comfort in that yet, she may scape it.

Oh it lies about my heart much.

Bound, no, no, I'de a very comfortable stoole this morning.

I'me glad of that yfaith, that's a good signe, I smell, shee'le scape it now.

Will you be going then?

Fall backe, shee's comming.

Thanks good Mistris Harebraine, welcome sweet Mistris Harebraine, pray commend me to the good gentleman your husband.

I could do that my selfe now.

And to my vncle Winchcombe, and to my Aunt Lipsalue, and to my cosen Falsetop, and to my cosen Lickit, and to my cosen Horseman, and to all my good cosens in Clearken well, and Saint Ioneses.

At three daies end my husband takes a iourney.

Oh thence I deriue a second meeting.

May it prosper still, Till then I rest a captiue to his will: Once agen health, rest, and strength to thee sweete Lady: farewell, you witty squall; good M. Doctor haue a care to her body if yous stand her friend, I know you can doe her good.

Take pity of your waiter, goe: farewell sweete Mistris Harebraine.

Welcome sweete wife, alight vpon my lip, neuer was hower spent better.

Why, were you within the hearing sir?

Be not so fierce, your will shalbe obaide.

Why then I see thou lou'st me.

Wast not wel manag'de, you necessary mischiefs? did the plot want either life or Art?

Tw's so well Captaine, I would you could make such another Musse at all aduentures.

Do'st cal't a Musse? I am sure my Grandsire nere got his money worse in his life, then I got it from him, if euer he did cozen the simple; why I was borne to reuenge their quarrell; if euer oppresse the widdow? I, a fatherles child haue done as much for him; and so tis through the world ei∣ther in iest or earnest, let the vserer looke for't, for craft re∣coyles in the end, like an ouercharg'd musket, and maymes the very hand that puts fire too't; there needs no more but a Vsurers owne blow to strike him from hence to hell, twil set him forward with a vengeance; but here lay the iest whore∣sons, my Grandsire thinking in his conscience that wee had not rob'd him ynough or'e night, must needs pittie mee it'h morning, and giue me the rest.

Two hundred pounds in faire Rose-Nobles I protest.

Push, I knew he could not sleep quietly til he had pay'd me for robing of him too, tis his humour, & the humor of most of your rich men in the course of their liues; for you know, they alwaies feast those mouthes that are least nedie, and giue them more, that haue too much alreadie; and what call you that, but robing of themselues a Courtlyer way; Oh.

Cuds me, how now Captaine?

A cold fit that comes ouer my memory, and has a shrode pull at my fortunes.

What's that Sir?

Is it for certaine, Lieftenant, that my Grandsire keepes an vncertaine creature, a Queane?

Faith from discourse, yet all the pollicie That I could vse, I could not get her name.

Dull slaue that ne're could'st spie it.

But the māner of her coming was describ'd to me.

How is the manner prethee?

Marry sir she comes, most commonly coacht.

Most commonly coacht indeed, for coaches are as common now adayes, as some that ride in e'm, shee comes most commonly coacht.

True, there I left sir, guarded with some leash of Pimps.

Beside the coachman?

Right sir, then alighting, shee's priuatly receiu'd by master Gunwater.

That's my Grandsires chiefe Gentleman it'h chaine of gold, that hee should liue to bee a Pander, and yet looke vpon his chaine and his veluet iacket

Then is your Grandsire rounded it'h eare, the key giuen after the Italian fashion, backward, she closly conuaid into his closet, there remaining, till either opportunitie smile vpon his credit, or hee send downe some hot caudle to take order in his performance.

Peace, tis mine owne yfaith, I haa'te.

How now Sir?

Thankes, thankes to any spirit, That mingled it mongst my inuentions.

Why master Folly-wit?

Captaine?

That were double happines, to put thy selfe into money and her out of fauour.

And all at one dealing?

S'foot I long to see that hand plaid,

And thou shalt see't quickly yfaith; nay tis in graine, I warrant it hold colour: Leiftenant, step behind yo'n hanging; if I mistooke not at my entrance, there hangs the lower part of a gentlewomans gowne, with a maske and a chinclout; bring all this way: Nay, but doo't cunningly now, tis a friends house, and I'de vfe it so, ther's a tast for you.

But prethee what wilt thou doe with a Gentlewo∣mans lower part?

Why vse it.

Y'aue answered me indeed in that, I can demand no farder.

Well said Leiftenant.

What will you do now sir?

Come, come, thou shalt see a woman quickely made vp here.

But that's against kind Captaine, for they are al∣waies long a making ready.

And is not most they doe against kind I prethee? to lie with their Horse-keeper, is not that against kind? to weare half moons made of anothers haire, is not that against kind? to drinke downe a man, she that should set him vp, pray is not that monstrously against kind now? nay ouer with it Leiftenant, ouer with it, euer while you liue put a womans clothes ouer her head: Cupid plaies best at blind-man buff.

You shal haue your will maintenance, I loue madde trickes as well as you for your heart sir; but what shift will you make for vpper bodies Captaine?

I see now thou'rt an Asse, why I'me ready.

Ready?

Why the Doublet serues as well as the best, and is most in fashion, weere all Male tot'h middle, mankinde from the Beuer to'th Bum, tis an Amazonian time, you shall haue women shortly treade their husbands; I should haue a couple of Locks behind, prethee Lieutenant find em out for me, and wind 'em about my hatband, nay you shall see, weele be in fa∣shion to a hayre, and become all with probability, the most musty-visage Critick shall not except against me.

Nay ile giue thee thy due behind thy backe, thou art as mad a piece of Clay—

Clay! dost call thy Captaine Clay? indeede clay was made to stop holes, he sayes true; did not I tell you rascalls you should see a woman quickly made vp?

Ile sweare for't Captaine.

Come, come, my maske and my chin-cloute—Come into'th Court.

Nay they were both 'ith Court long agoe sir.

Let me see, where shall I chuse two or three for Pimps now? but I cannot chuse amisse amongst you all, thats the best; well, as I am a Queane, you were best haue a care of me, and guard me sure, I giue you warning before hand, tis a monckie taylde-Age. Life, you shall goe nye to haue halfe a douzen blythe fellowes surprize me cowardly, carry me away with a payre of owers, and put in at Putney.

We should laugh at that yfaith.

Or shoote in vppo'th coast of Cue.

Two notable fit landing places for Leachers, P. and C. Putney and Cue.

Well, say you haue faire warning on't, the hayre about the hat is as good as a flag vppo'th pole at a common Play∣house to wast company, and a chin-cloute is of that powerfull a traction I can tell you, twill draw more Linnen toot?

Feare not vs Captaine, there's none here but can fight for a whore as well as some Innes a Court-man?

Why then set forward; and as you scorne two shilling brothell, twelue penny Pandarisme, and such base bribes, guard me from bonny Scribs, and bony Scribes.

What at a stand? the fitter for my company?

Celestiall souldiers guard me,-

How now man? Lase did the quicknesse of my presence fright thee?

Shield me you ministers of faith and grace.

Leaue, leaue, are you not ashamd to vse such words to a woman?

Th'art a Deuill.

A diuell? feele, feele man, has a diuell flesh and bone?

I do coniure thee by that dreadfull power—

Away.

Remember.

Leaue my sight.

Do not follow.

Torment me not.

Fa le la, fa le la, fa la la, loh.

Fury.

Fa le la, fa le la, fa la la loh.

Stamps—

It ha's preuayld—Oh my sin-shaking Sinewes! what should I thinke? Iesper, why Iesper.

Sir! how now? what has disturbed you sir.

A sit, a qualme, —is mistrisse Hargraue gone?

Who sir? mistrisse Hargraue?

Is she gone I say?

Gone? why she was neuer here yet.

No!

Why no sir.

Art sure ont.

Sure ont? if I be sure I breathe, and am my selfe?

I like it not; —where kepst thou?

It'h next roome sir.

Why she struck by thee man.

Youde make one mad sir, that a gentlewoman should steale by me and I not heare her, sfoote, one may heare the rusling of their bums almost an hower before we see 'em.

What strange humour call you this? he dreames of weomen and both his eyes broad open!

Why how now master Gumwater? what's the newes with your hast?

I haue a thing to tell your worship —

Why prethee tell me, speake man.

Your worship shall pardon me, I haue better bringing vp then so.

How sir?

Tis a thing made fit for your Eare sir —

Oh—o—o—cry you mercy, now I begin to taste you,— is she come?

Shee's come sir?

Recouerd, well and sound agen?

That's to be feard sir.

Why sir?

She weares a Linnen cloth about her Iawe,

Ha, ha, haw,—why that's the fashion you whorson Gumwater.

The fashion sir? liue I so long time to see that a fashion, which rather was an Embleme of disprayse, It was suspected much in Mounsiers dayes.

I, I, in those dayes, that was a queasie time, our age is better hardned now, and put oftner in the fire, we are tryed what we are: tut, the Pox is as naturall now, as an Ague in the Spring time, we seldome take physicke without it; here, take this key, you knew what dueties belong too't, goe,—giue or∣der for a Cullize, let there be a good fire made it'h matted chamber, do you heare sir?—

I know my office sir.

An old mans venery is very chargeable my ma∣sters, there much cooquery belongs too't.

Yes, good master Gumwater.

This is the old closet you know.

I remember it well sir.

There stands a Casket, I would my yearely reuenue were but worth the wealth thats lockt int Lady; yet I haue fif∣ty pound a yeere wench.

Beside your apparrell sir?

Yes faith haue I.

But then you recken your chaine sir.

No by my troth doe I not, neither: faith and you con∣sider me rightly sweet Lady, you might admit a choyse gen∣tleman into your seruice.

Oh, pray away sir.

Pusha come, come, you do but hinder your fortunes yfaith, I haue the command of all the house, I can tell you, no∣thing comes intot'h kitchin, but comes through my hands.

Pray do not handle me sir.

Faith y'are too nice Lady: and as for my secrecy you know I haue vowd it often to you.

Vowd it? no, no, you men are fickle,—

Fickle?—sfoote bind me Lady —

Why I bind you by vertue of this chayne to meet me to morrow at the Flowredeluce yonder, betweene Nine and Ten.

And if I do not Lady let me lose it, thy loue and my best fortunes?

Why now ile trye you, goe too.

Farewell sweet Lady.

Welcome sweete cockscombe; by my faith a good in∣duction, I perceiue by his ouerworne phrase, and his action to∣ward the middle region still there has bin some saucy nibling motion, and no doubt the cunning queane waited but for her prey, and I thinke tis better bestowd vpon me for his soules health;—and his bodies too; ile teache the slaue to be so bould yet, as once to offer to vault into his masters saddle yfaith: Now Casket, by your leaue, I haue seene your outside oft, but thats no proofe. Some haue fayre outsides that are nothing worth: ha? —now by my faith a gentlewoman of very good parts, Diamond, Rubie, Saphire, Onix cum prolo Silexque; if I doe not wonder how the queane scapte tempting, I'me an Hermophrodite, sure she could lack nothing, but the Diuell to poynt too't, and I wonder that he should be missing; well, tis better as it is, this is the fruite of old-grunting-venerie. Grandsire, you may thanke your Drab for this; oh fye, in your crinckling dayes Grandsire, keepe a Curtizan to hinder your Grandchild, tis against Nature yfaith, and I hope youle be weary ont: Now to my villaines that lurke close below: Who keepes a Harlot tell him this from me, He needes nor theese, disease, nor enemy.

Ah sirrah, me thinke I feele my selfe well tosted, bumbasted, rubd and refresht; but yfaith I cannot forget to thinke how soone sicknesse has altered her—to my tast, I gaue her a kisse at bottome o'th stayres, and byth masse me thought her breath had much adoe to be sweet, like a thing compoun∣ded me thought of wine, Beere, and Tobacco, I smelt much Pudding in't. It may be but my fancy, or her physicke: For this I know, her health gaue such content, The fault rests in her sicknesse, or my sent. How dost thou now sweete girle, what well recouerd? Sicknesse quite gone, ha? speake—ha? wench? Franke Gulman, why body of me, whats here? my Casket wide open, broke open, my Iewells stolne—why Gumwater—

Anon anon sir.

Come hither Gumwater.

That were small manners sir yfaith, ile find a time anon your worship's busie yet.

Why Gumwater?

Fo nay then youle make me blush yfaith sir.—

Where's this Creature?

The worst that euer breathes.

Thats a wild Bore sir.

That's a vilde whore sir;—where didst thou leaue her Rascall?

Who? your Recreation sir.

My Execration sir.

Where I was wont, in your worships closet.

A pox engrosse her, it appeares too true, See you this Casket sir.

My chayne, my chayne, my chayne, my one and only chayne.

Thou runst to much purpose now, Gumwater, yee? Is not a Queane ynough to answer for, but she must ioyne a theefe too't, a theeuing Queane, Nay I haue done with her yfaith, tis a signe sh'as beene sicke a late, for shee's a great deale worse then she was, by my troth I would haue paund my life vpon't, did she want anything? was she not supply de?

Who'se that knocks?

A friend.

Whats your will sir?

Is master Hargraue at home?

No, newly gone from it sir.

Where's the gentlewoman his wife?

My mistrisse is within sir.

When came she in I pray?

Who my mistrisse? she was not out these two dayes to my knowledge.

No? trust me Ide thought I'de seene her, I would request a word with her.

Ile tell her sir.

I thanke you—It likes me worse and worse.—

Why how now sir? twas desperately aduenturd, I little lookt for you vntill the morrow.

No? why what made you at my chamber then euen now?

I at your chamber?

Puh—dissemble not, come, come, you were there.

By my life you wrong me sir.

What?

Firsty' are not ignorant what watch keeps o're me, And for your chamber, as I liue I knowt not.

Burst into sorrow then, and greeses extreames, Whilst I beate on this flesh.

What ist disturbs you sir?—

Then was the diuell in your likenesse there.

Ha?

What shall become of me my owne thoughts doome mee.

Rise, I'me thy friend for euer.

A happy inward peace crowne both your ioyes

Thankes aboue vtterance to you, —now? the newes?

Who I sir.

Faith you shall.

Well, ile break strife.

A friend's so rare, ile sooner part from life.

What so coy, so strickt, come, come.

Pray change your opinion sir, I am not for that vse.

Will you but heare me?

I shall heare that I would not.

Sfoote this is strange, I'ue seldome seene a wench Stand vpon stricter points, life she will not endure to be cour∣ted, do's she ere thinke to prosper? Ile nere beleeue that Tree can bring foorth fruit, that neuer beares a blossome, Court∣ships a blossome, and often brings foorth fruit in forty weeks; Twere a mad part in me, now to turne ouer: if euer there were any hope on't, tis at this instant, shall I be madder now then euer I haue beene? 'ime in the way ifaith.

Face worth my obiect, till mine eie met hers, I should laugh and I were caught yfaith, Ile see her agen thats certaine, what Ere comes ont, by your fauour Ladies.

You'r welcome sir.

Know you the yong gentlewoman that went in lateley?

I haue best cause to know her, 'ime her mother sir.

Oh in good time, I like the gentlewoman well, a pre∣ty contriu'd beauty,

I, nature has done her part sir.

But she has one vncomely quality.

Whats that sir?

Sfoote she's afraid of a man.

A lasse, impute that to her bashfull spirit, she's fear∣full of her honour.

Of her honour? slid 'ime sure I cannot get her mai∣den head with breathing vpon her, nor can she loose her ho∣nour in her tongue.

True, and I haue often told her so, but what would you haue of a foolish virgine sir, a wilfull virgine, I tell you sir, I neede not haue beene in that solitarie estate that I am, had she had grace and boldnes to haue put her selfe forward, alwaies timorsome, alwaies backward, ah that same peeuish honour of hers, has vndone her and me both good gentlemā: the suitors, the iewels, the ioynters that has beene offerd her, wee had beene made women for euer, but what was her fa∣shion? she could not indure the sight of a man for sooth, but run and hole her selfe presently, so choice of her honour, I am perswaded, when ere she has husband, she wil eene be a presi∣dent for all married wiues, how to direct their actions, and their liues.

You shall see straight what I can doe sir.

Would I might be hangd, if my loue do not stretch to her deeper and deeper, those bashfull maiden humors take me prisoner when their comes a restraint ont vpon flesh, wee are alwaies most greedy vppont, & that makes your merchāts wife oftentimes pay so deare for a monthfull: giue me a wo∣man as she was made at first, simple of her selfe, without So∣phistication, like this wench, I cannot abide them when they haue tricks, set speeches & Artfull entertainments, you shall haue some so impudently aspected, they will outcry the fore∣head of a man, make him blush first, & talke him into silence, & this is counted manly in a woman, it may hold so, sure wo∣manly it is not, no, If ere I loue, or any thing moue me,

T will be a womans simple modesty.

Pray let me go, why mother what doe you meane? I beseech you mother? is this your conquest now? great glory tis to ouercome a pore and silly virgine.

VVhy I durst pawne my life the gentleman meanes no other but honest and pure loue to thee, how say you sir?

By my faith not I Lady.

How meane you that sir?

Sfoot as one loues a woman for a wife,

Has the gentleman answered you, tro?

I know your Grandsire well; she knowes him bet∣ter.

Why then you know no fiction; my state then will be a long dayes iourney 'boue the wast wench.

Nay daughter he sayes true.

Ah twilll be a merry iourny.

What ist a match, if't be clap hands & lips;

Tis done, ther's witnesse on't.

Why then mother I salute you.

Thanks sweet sonne;—Sonne Folliwit, come hither, if I might counsell thee, weele eene take her while the good moods vpon her, send for a Priest, and clapt vp within this hower.

By my troth agreed mother.

Sfoote that will serue till my Grandsire dyes I warrant you, heele drop away at fall a'th leafe, if euer he reach to all Hollantide ile be hangd.

O yes sonne, hees a lusty old gentleman.

Ah pox, hee's giuen to weomen; he keeps a queane at this present.

Fie.

Do not tell my wife ont.

He makes a great feast vpon the leauenth of this month, tuesday next, and you shall see Players there,—I haue one tricke more to put vpon him; my wife and your selfe shall goe thither before as my guests, and proue his entertainment, Ile meete you there at night, the iest will be here, that feast which he makes wil, vnknown to him serue fitly for our wed∣ding dinner, we shall be royally furnisht, and get some charges by'te.

An excellent course (yfaith) and a thrifty, why sonne, me thinks you begin to thriue before y'are maried.

We shall thriue one day wench, and clep ynough? Between our hopes theres but a Grandsires puffe.

So girle, here was a bird well caught.

If euer, here: but what fo'rs Grandsire, twill scarce please him well.

And thats worth 'em all.

Haue a care blew-coates; bestir your selfe Ma∣ster Gumwater, cast an eie intoth kitchin, ore∣looke the knaues a little, euery lack has his friend to day, this cousen and that cousen puts in for a dish of meate, a man knowes not till he make a feast how many varlets he feedes, acquaintances swarme in euery corner, like flyes at Barthol∣mewtide that come vp with drouers, sfoot I thinke they smell my kitchin seauen mile about master Shortrod and his sweete bedfellow, yare very copiously welcome.

Sir, heres an especiall deere friend of ours, we were bold to make his way to your table.

Thankes for that boldnesse euer, good Master Shortrod, is this your friend sir?

Both my wifes friend and mine sir.

Why then compendeously sir,—yare welcome.

In Octauo I thanke you sir.

Excellently retorted yfaith, hees welcome for's wit; I haue my sorts of salutes, and know how to place em Court∣ly; walke in sweet gentlemen, walke in, theres a good fire it'h Hall, you shall haue my sweet company instantly.

I good sir Bounteous

You shall indeede gentlemen; how now, what newes brings thee in stumbling now?

There are certaine Players come to towne sir, and de∣sire to enterlude before your worship.

Players? by the masse they are welcome, the'yle grace my entertainment well, but for certain players there thou lyest boy; they were neuer more vncertaine in their liues, now vp & now downe, they know not when to play, where to play, nor what to play, not when to play for fearful fools, where to play for Puritane fooles, nor what to play for criticall fooles—goe call em in,—how fitly the whorsons come vpo'th feast, troth I was een wishing for em,—oh welcome, welcome my friends.

The month of May delights not in her flowers, More then we ioy in that sweete sight of yours.

Well acted a my credit, I perceiue hees your best Actor.

He has greatest share sir; and may liue of himselfe sir.

What what? put on your hat sir, pray put on; go too, welth must be respected, let those that haue least fethers stand bare; and whose men are you I pray? nay keep on your hat still.

We serue my Lord Owemuch sir.

My L. Owemuch, by my troth the welcomst men aliue giue me all your hands at once, that honorable gentleman? hee lay at my house in a robbery once, and tooke all quietly, went away cheerfully. I made a very good feast for him; I neuer saw a man of honor beare things brauelier away, serue my L. Owe∣much? welcome yfaith: some Bastard for my Lords Players,— where be you boyes?

Good, good, and which is your Polititian a∣mongst you? now yfaith he that workes out Restraints, makes best legs at Court and has a suit made of purpose, for the companies busines, which is he, come▪ be not afraid of him.

I am he sir.

Art thou he? giue me thy hand, harke in thine eare, thou row lest too fast to gather so much mosse as thy fel∣low there, champ vpon that, ah, and what play shall we haue my masters?

A pleasant witty Comedy sir.

I, I, I, a Comedy in any case, that I and my guests may laugh a little, whats the name out?

Tis cald the Slip.

The Slip? By my troth a pretty name, and a glib one: go all and slip intoot, as fast as you can couer a table for the players. First take heed of a Lurcher, hee cus deep, hee will eate vp all from you. Some Shirry for my Lords players there. Sirra, why this will be a True feast, a right Miter supper, a play and all, more lights—I cald for light, heere come in two are light inough for a whole house yfaith. Dare the theefe looke me i'th face? O impudent times! go too, dissem∣ble it.

Blesse you sir Bounteous.

O welcome, welcome, Theefe, Queane, and Bawd, welcome all three.

Nay heeres but two on's sir.

A my troth, I tooke her for a couple, I'de haue sworne there had beene two faces there.

Not all vnder one hood sir.

Yes faith would I, to see mine eies beare double.

He make it hold sir, my doughter is a couple, She was married yesterday. Sir Boun. Buz.

Nay to no buzzard neither, a right Hauke When ere you know him.

Away, he cannot be but a Rascal▪ walke in walke in, bould guests, that come vnfent for—post, I perceiue how my Iewels went now, to grace her marriage.

Would you with me sir?

Y'ear past my reach.

I'me old and past your reach, very good; but you will not deny this I trust.

With a safe conscience, sir.

Yee? giue me thy hand, fare thee wel, I haue done with her.

Giue me your hand, sir, you nere yet begun with me.

Euen vpon readinesse sir.

Keepe you your hat on.

I haue a suit to your worship.

Oh cry you mercy, then you must stand bare.

We could do all to the life of action sir, both for the credit of your worships house, and the grace of our Comedy.

Cuds me, what else sir?

And for some defects (as the custome is) we would be bold to require your worships assistance.

Why with all my heart, what ist you want? speake.

One's a chaine for a Iustices hat sir.

VVhy here, here, here, here whoreson, wil this serue your turne?

VVhat else lacke you?

VVe should vse a ring with a stone int.

Nay whoope, I haue giuen too many rings already, talke no more of rings I pray you, here, here, here, make this Iewell serue for once.

Oh this will serue sir.

What haue you all now?

All now sir—one y time is brought i'th middle of the play, and I would desire your worships watch time.

My watch, with all my heart, onely giue time a charge that he be not fidling with it.

You shall nere see that sir.

Well now you are furnishe sir, make haste away.

Ee'n as fast as i can sir,—Ile set my fellows going first, they must haue time and leasure, or they'r dull else. He stay and speake a prologue, yet o'retake e'm, I cannot haue conscience yfaith to go away and speake nere a word to e'm, my Grādsire has giuen me three shares here, sure Ile do some∣what for e'm.

More lights, more stooles, sit sit, the play begins.

Haue you players here Sir Bounteous?

We haue e'm for you sir, fine nimble Comedians, proper actors most of them.

Whose men I pray you sir?

Ohâ–ª there's their credit sir, they serue an honorable popular Gentleman, eclipped my Lord Ow-much.

My Lord Ow-much, he was in Ireland lately.

O you nere knew any of the name but were great trauellers,

How is the Comedy cald, Sir Bounteous?

Mary sir, the Slip.

The Slip?

I, and here the prologue begins to slip in vpon's.

Tis so indeed Sir Boun.

Excellently well acted and a nimble conceyt.

The Prologues prety yfaith.

And went off well.

I thats the grace of all, when they go away well, ah-

A my troth and I were not married, I could finde in my heart to fall in loue with that Player now, and send for him to a supper; I know some i'th towne that haue done as much, and there tooke such a good conceypt of their parts into'th two-penny roome, that the Actors haue bin found ith morning in a lesse compasse then their Stage, tho twere nere so full of gen∣tlemen.

But, passion of me, where be these knaues, wil they not come away, me thinkes they stay very long.

Oh you must beare a little sir, they haue many shifts to run into.

Shifts call you em, they're horrible long things.

A pox of such fortune the plots betrayd:

All will come out, yonder they come taken vpon suspition, and brought back by a Constable, I was accurst to hold so∣ciety with such Cockscombs, whats to be done? I shall be shamde for euer, my wife here and al, ah pox—by light happi∣ly thought vpon, the chayne▪ Inuention sticke to me this once, and faile me euer hereafter: so, so,—

Life I say, where be these Players, oh are you come, troth its time, I was een sending for you.

How moodily he walkes, what playes he tro?

A, Iustice vpon my credit, I know by the chayn there.

Vnfortunate Iustice.

Yee shall we take Iustice winking.

A very expleate Iustice.

Thank you good neighbors, let me alone with em now.

Sfoote whose yonder?

Dare he sit there?

2. Follywit.

3. Captaine—puh—

How now Constable what newes with thee?

May it please your worship sir,—here are a company of auspicious fellowes.

To me; puh—turne to'th Iustice you whorson hob∣by horse, this is some new player now, they put all their fooles to the Constables part still.

Whats the matter Constable, whats the matter?

I haue nothing to say to your worship—they were all riding a horseback ant please your worship

Yet agen: a pox of all Asles still, they could not ride a foot vnlesse twere in a bawdy house.

The Oftler told me they were all vnstable fellows sir.

VVhy sure the fellow's drunke.

VVe spide that weakenesse in him long agoe sir, your worship must beare with him, the mans much oreseene, onely in respect of his office wee obeyd him, both to appeare con∣formable to law, and cleare of all offence: for I protest sir, he found vs but a horse backe:

What he did?

As I haue a soule, thats all, and all he can lay to vs.

Yfaith, you were not all riding away then.

S'foot, being a horsebacke sir, that must needs follow.

VVhy true sir.

Well sayd Iustice, he helps his kinseman well.

VVhy Sirra, do you vse to bring Gentlemen before vs for riding away, what will you haue em stand still when they're vp, like Smug vpo'th white horse yonder? are your wits steept? He make you an example for all dizzy Constables, how they abuse iustice, here bind him tot his chayre.

Ha, bind him hoe?

If you want cords, vse garters.

Help, help, Gentlemen.

As fast as we can sir.

Theeues, theeues.

A gag will help all this, keepe lesse noisē you knaue.

Oh helpe, rescue the Constable — oh, O.

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

Oh,—oh—oh—

Ha, ha ha, by my troth the maddest piece of Iu∣stice gentlemen, that euer was committed.

He be sworne for the madnesse on't sir.

I am deceiu'de, if this proue not a merry Comedy and a witty.

A lasse poore Constable, his mouth's open, and nere a wife word.

Faith he speakes now een as many as he has done, he seemes wisest when he gapes and sayes nothing, ha ha;— he turnes and tells his tale to me like an asse, what haue I to do with their riding away, they may ride for me, thou whorson Cockscombe thn; nay thou art well ynough seru'de yfaith,

But what followes all this while sir, me thinkes some should passe by before this time, & pitty the Constable.

I, I, I.

Hanke, the Constable sayes I, they're in a wood,— ha, ha,—

He thinkes long of the time sir Bounteous.

How now? when come they?

A lasse an't please your worship, ther's not one of them to be found sir.

How?

What saies the fellow?

Neither horse nor man sir.

Body of me thou liest.

Not a haire of either sir.

How now sir Bounteous.

Cheated and defeated, vngag that rascall, Ile hang him for's fellowes, Ile make him bring em out.

Did not I tell your worship this before, brought em before you for suspected persons, Hayd em at townes end vp∣on warning giuen, made signes that my very iaw bone akes, your worship would not heare me, cald me Asle, sauing your worships presence laught at me.

Ha?

I begin to taste it.

Giue me leaue, giue me leaue, why art not thou the Constable it'h Comedy?

Ith comedy? why I am the constable i'th common wealth sir.

I am guld yfaith, I am guld, when wast thou chose?

On thursday last sir.

A pox go wit'ht, ther't goes.

I seldome heard Iest match it.

Nor I yfaith.

Gentlemen shal I intreat a curtesy?

What ist sir?

Do not laugh at me seauen yeare hence.

Faith thats some comfort yet, ha, ha, it was feately carried, troth I commend their wits, before our faces, make vs asses while we sit still, and onely laugh at our selues.

Faith they were some counterfeit rogues sir.

Why they confesse so much them selues, they saide theyd play the slip, they shold be men of their words, I hope the Iustice will haue more conscience yfaith, then to cary a∣way a chaine of a hundred marke of that fashion.

What sir?

I by my troth sir, besides a iewell, and a iewels fel∣lowe, a good faire watch that hung about my neck sir.

Sfoote what did you meane sir?

Me thinkes my Lord Owemuches players should not scorne me so yfaith they will come and bring all agen I know, push they will yfaith, but a ieast certainly.

Pray Grandsire giue me your blessing?

Who? Sonne Folliwit?

This showes like kneeling after the play, I praying for my Lord Owemuch and his good Countesse, our honou∣rable Lady and mistresse.

Rise richer by a blessing, thou art welcome.

Thankes good grandsire, I was bold to bring those gentlemen my friends.

Theyre all welcome, salute you that side, & ile wel∣come this side. Sir to begin with you.

Master Follywit.

I am glad tis our fortune so happily to meete sir.

Nay then you know me not sir.

Sweete Mistris Harebraine.

You cannot be too bold sir.

Our mariage knowne?

Not a word yet.

The better.

Faith sonne would you had come sooner with these gentlemen.

Why Grandsire?

We had a play here.

A play sir, no.

Yes faith, a pox a'th Author.

Bles vs all, why were they such vild ones sir?

I am sure villanous ones sir.

Some rawe-simple fooles.

Nay bith masse these were enough for the euish knaues.

What sir?

Which way came you gentlemen, you could not choose but meete em.

We met a company with hampers after em.

Oh those were they, those were they, a pox ham∣per em.

Blesse vs all agen.

They haue hamperd me finely sirrah.

Howe sir.

How sir, I lent the rascals properties to furnish out their play, a chaine, a iewell, and a watch, & they watcht their time, and rid quite away with em.

Are they such creatures.

Hearke, hearke gentlemen, by this light the watch rings alarum in his pocket, thers my watch come agen, or the very Cosen German toot, whose ist, whose ist? by'th masse tis he, hast thou one sonne? prethee bestow it vpon thy Grandsire, I now looke for mine agen yfaith, nay come with a good wil or not at all. Ile giue thee a better thing a peece, a peece gentlemen.

Great or small,

At once I haue drawne chaine, iewell, watch & all.

By my faith you haue a fortunate hand sir.

Nay all to come at once.

A vengeance of this soolecy.

Haue I scape the Constable to be brought in by the watch?

Comfort thy selfe, thou art before hand with him daughter.

Why son, why gentlemen, how long haue you bin my Lord Ow-much his seruants yfaith?

Faith Grandsire, shall I be true to you?

I thinke tis time, thoust beene a theese already.

I knowing the day of your feast, & the natural inclina∣tion you haue to pleasure and pastime, presumde vpon your patience for a iest as well to prolong your daies as—

Whoop, why then you tooke my chaine along with you to prolong my daies did you?

Not so neither sir & that you may be seriously assured of my herafter stablenesse of life, I have took another course.

What?

Tooke a wife.

A wife? sfoot, what is she for a foole would marry thee a madman? when was the wedding kept in Bedlam?

Shees both a gentlewoman and a virgin.

Stop there, stop there, would I might see her.

You haue your wish, shees here.

Ah, ha, ha, ha, this makes amends for all.

How now?

Captain do you heare? is she your wife in earnest?

How then?

Nothing but pitty you sir.

Ha.

Ist come about, tricks are repaid I see.